Return from the Dark Side of the Moon

Time continues to march on, and I have consciously or not, chosen to let it wend twisting and turning in its inexorable way, pulling me along with it down the long slope of decline.

It is time to fan into a bonfire the small spark that burns dimly in the corner of my mind. Time to stop flagellating myself for being what I am made to be: human. My humanness allows me the wonder of free thought, as well as self criticism. It is time to use my mind and body in the most wondrous way possible: Self improvement via proper nutrition, invigorating exercise, holistic harmony.

Time for a transformative year, decade, life. My goal is ultimate and peak mental and physical fitness by my 50th birthday and beyond! The power is mine, to create a masterpiece of my canvas, to make order from chaos, peace from angst. I hold the brush, and create the hues that cross the canvas.

Time for my Paradigm Shift.

Twists and Turns of Time

Long gap again. A few starts and stops at fitness. I think I finally have forgiven myself for my perceived failures at Pikes Peak, but mostly IMH 98. I did the best I could and I FINISHED. Fast forward to today..

My recent health checkup has opened eyes that have long been slumbering. Cholesterols all elevated as expected, but the kick in the head was "insulin resistant" which traslates as Pre Diabetic. This hit me like  asemi broadside..ME? After self refection I decided this is NOT going to happen to me. I am starting my lifetime dietary change to a low fat primarily vegetarian mode with a few allowance for days like today- Thaksgiving.

I am thankful for modern medicine to point out to me when I am refusing to see that it is time to be like the One legged man in a Butt kicking contest. Starting slow and easy with exercise, easing into developing a habit for life.

More soon!

Time to #$%# or get off the pot!

Taking that advice personally, I bit the bullet and am now Bib #525 for the KC Marathon, my first 'thon in 11 YEARS. I was glad to hear one of the infamous hills I remember from past KC marathons is no longer part of the course.

That said, it's time to kick the excuses and laziness to the curb. It's great weather to heat train, although October in KC is generally not that hot. I have a training plan printed off and on the fridge, and will start uploading my HRM files again to http://home.trainingpeaks.com/.

I'm glad I decided to do this, I've been on the fence for a few weeks about it.

Time to get down to business!

Crystal Clear Lack of Clarity

Things not much different from the last posting time..still lazy. Still fat (and getting fatter). Still playing useless and senseless head games with myself about my health, my fitness, my future.

I am so frustrated with my lack of direction and my strange weird mental hangups that I can't seem to get to the bottom of that I am seriously considering finding a sports psychologist for hypnotherapy to uncover just WHY I am fighting myself so hard about taking care of my body, my health and my mind.

Will my decision to act or not act in my own best interest affect anyone else? Will they really care what I do? Most likely not. Why do I continue to worry that others will see my inaction as incapability and untrustworthiness" Why do I continue to fall back into the childhood echoes of negativity: "You're not good enough, you're too ugly, you're worthless and stupid, You'll never amount to anything.." Some of these emerged from reality, but most through my own creation.

All my negative weirdness has accomplished is to hold me back from the person I could have been..had I known I was actually intelligent I could have tried so much harder in school, made so much better grades. Had I known  I was likable (am I? Really???) I could have branched out into all the activities and communities I never thought I was acceptable for. What could I have become? What if...what if....what it....

Will I continue to live and remain mired in my self created prison of the past or will I have the courage to break free and live for the future? It's time, time to cut the anchors that hold me back. Time to rediscover the me that lies buried and dormant beneath a mountain of doubt, denial and fear.

What is there to lose? Only myself.

Time to break the chains and fly free and discover there was nothing to fear after all.

Time Marches On..

Hey, I made it back in less than 6 months..ya me.

I finally got my nerve up to get my annual physical after FOUR years. The grand plan was to lose the extra 40 pound so my cholesterol levels would be normal and I would be safe from the dreaded statins for another few years. As with most unformed and unplanned ideas, it never happened and it took a new frightening symptom to jolt me into action.

Probably independent of the cracked noggin symptoms, a new odd one popped up out of the blue about a month ago, strange electrical shock like zings down my arms, back and legs when I lowered my head. Not painful, just like touching a weak but live current. Teamed with the constant ache in my back for the last year or so which I thought was just muscle spasms, I bit the bullet and headed into my doctor's office.

I was able to convince my doc to get multiple view xrays of my neck and I was relieved yet unhappy to learn there was something there: a bone spur on C6. It may not sound like much but over time it will grow into the spinal canal and my symptoms are likely to worsen from just sensory to maybe motor symptoms (meaning causing actual changes in strength etc. that may impact my ability to work, exercise and function in everyday life). This may not happen but as a nurse I know what \is possible.

In addition as I knew would probably be true, ALL my cholesterol levels are elevated and I was told to start the nasty Fish Oil caps. Then I learned my Vitamin D level was significantly below normal and I need to start taking a weekly prescription level of Vitamin D. I know it's been a dreary winter but this was ridiculous..and it's not just a insignificant minor annoyance.. the research in medicine has shown low Vitamin D levels can be associated with increase risk of cancer. Of course I accepted the direction to change my diet and increase exercise which I knew was coming. I've been remarkable healthy in my life up to this point so I should not be too surprised at age related things cropping up.

After spending some time digesting this information I followed up on an idea I have been mulling for a few weeks: joining a new gym I've been hearing about..Lifetime Fitness. I've heard glowing things from several friends about this new player in town and decided to check it out.
Although a large gym, the help is everywhere, and there are more than enough types of equipment to satisfy any type of exercise I might want to do. I took the tour, considered a few days and joined. It seems to be a fantastic place!

More importantly it's time to take hold of the fear related to my dizziness (cracked noggin again) and START TO SWIM AGAIN. The new gym has THREE pools (2 indoor, 1 outdoor) AND a Master's swim class. I know if I can successfully swim and get comfortable with the idea again that I can knock that barrier out of the way and start training for multisport events again. Fear is both a powerful inhibitor and a powerful motivator and now it's the fear of my family's medical history chasing me to an early grave.

So a new chapter starts and it's time to heed the information I have now. It's not a matter of vanity any more but now a matter of health and maintaining a functional life and I won't go down without a fight.

A large regret I carry now is in my misguided ideas that I was not good enough I turned my back on a good friend and I hope she will see I would love to have her back in my life. I've lost too many chances out of fear and it's time to put it behind me.

Until next update..

Dark Side of the Moon

I've always been envious of people who can keep regular entries in journals/blogs/diaries/training diaries/blahblah.. I can't do it to save my life. Guess I don't want to reveal too much of myself and have it come back to bite me in the butt.

It's been a YEAR since I wrote last. Such enthusiasm and hopefulness a year ago. Have I been too naive? too ambitious? too ___________ (enter any version of a put down here)? Or am I seeing the unvarnished truth?

This past year was a less than successful attempt to get back to triathlons (2 DNF, 2 DNS) with some side issues that helped derail my hopes and dreams. Being fairly sure I am entering the Big M and not coping well with aging and having a rude reminder by my body that I am most definitely mortal.

The issue that has put the brakes on is having a freak fall from some weight equipment, landing on the crown of my head and sustaining a head injury. Not a major end up with surgery injury, but more subtle. I thought I would wait 3 months and see if the persistent positional dizziness I've had since the accident would fade away. At this point it seems to be permanent. I feel in limbo because I'm afraid to try to swim for fear of getting disoriented and drowning. I was able to get up the courage to finally run briefly on the trails after 10 weeks away. A few very brief bike rides. Some occasional workouts at the gym. Most disturbing to me is the apathy I feel toward my health, fitness, and life in general. I just don't seem to have the motivation, sense or energy to climb out of this morass.

Even though I love the beautiful snow that is falling outside, I don't think I can stand another cloudy dreary day. What happened to the strong person I used to be? The one who took on challenges not to show others but to prove to myself I was strong and capable even if no one else thought I was?

Will she ever make it back?

Revolutions and Revelations

I was never a good diary keeper as a child (mainly due to the fact one of my siblings found mine, trumpeted it to the world and destroyed my trust) and seems I'm not such a good blogger as a grownup. A bit hit and miss.

Anyway, since the last entry I have started a twice a week spinning class, code named "Spycling" for short. Have missed several sessions between sucky sleep due to the good ole night schedule, and occasional other events the same nights. I am going to try to hit all the rest of the sessions without fail starting next week. My first session was anxiety provoking as it had been quite a long time since I had been on the trainer, in a room with other people. Entering the room with my bike, quite a few were already spinning anyway in warmup for the class. I promptly made a bonehead 'rookie' mistake by trying to set my bike up on the trainer BACKWARDS. Gawd, that's what I get for neglecting it for so long. dumb dumb. Once things were properly attached, the class went well and I was pleasantly surprised to find the cross training on the elliptical on the gym had helped. I even entertained some blurry thoughts of being able to power on the bike in my loosely planned tris/dus this year. Of course, endurance rather than power is my better skill so some work to do there.

My age seems to rear its ugly head in unpredictable enough intervals that I forget that it's not advisable to do 6 days in a row of fairly intense workouts then end them with a 10 mile hilly trail run. My right knee not so pleasantly reminded me this the next day when my knee was so stiff that I could not squat down for 4 days afterward. I'm not taking ageing gracefully. So, after taking 6 days off (dumb again) yesterday I hit the trails at Wyandotte County park again for a loop around the lake. Having entered a 2 loop (20.6 mile) race on Valentine's Day, I am beginning to get fearful of my ability to complete the race without DNFing. Yesterday was fairly comfortable, keeping a steady pace the whole way and powerwalking up the hills. Today my quads are feeling quite a bit like I remember them being after marathons in the past. Ahh, also a nice little blister on my left heel when I decided in my infinite wisdom to break in my new Vasque Velocity shoes with a 10 mile run. It will heal. The shoes felt great but I need to pack bandaids in my camelbak because I felt the hotspot coming on and did not have anything to put on it.

Noting the same training mistakes that I have made in the past combined with my somewhat hit and miss training plans, I have been entertaining the idea of a coach again. I hate setting up my own training plans, I detest it. OTOH, I still need to decide how much of my athletic endeavors I want to keep as "relaxed and fun" and how much I want to become competitive again. I DO love racing, that much is true. It is also true that I now enjoy athletic activity for the fun of it and the companionship. How to find a happy balance while staying healthy and happy?? That is my conundrum.

Until next time..