Crystal Clear Lack of Clarity

Things not much different from the last posting time..still lazy. Still fat (and getting fatter). Still playing useless and senseless head games with myself about my health, my fitness, my future.

I am so frustrated with my lack of direction and my strange weird mental hangups that I can't seem to get to the bottom of that I am seriously considering finding a sports psychologist for hypnotherapy to uncover just WHY I am fighting myself so hard about taking care of my body, my health and my mind.

Will my decision to act or not act in my own best interest affect anyone else? Will they really care what I do? Most likely not. Why do I continue to worry that others will see my inaction as incapability and untrustworthiness" Why do I continue to fall back into the childhood echoes of negativity: "You're not good enough, you're too ugly, you're worthless and stupid, You'll never amount to anything.." Some of these emerged from reality, but most through my own creation.

All my negative weirdness has accomplished is to hold me back from the person I could have been..had I known I was actually intelligent I could have tried so much harder in school, made so much better grades. Had I known  I was likable (am I? Really???) I could have branched out into all the activities and communities I never thought I was acceptable for. What could I have become? What if...what if....what it....

Will I continue to live and remain mired in my self created prison of the past or will I have the courage to break free and live for the future? It's time, time to cut the anchors that hold me back. Time to rediscover the me that lies buried and dormant beneath a mountain of doubt, denial and fear.

What is there to lose? Only myself.

Time to break the chains and fly free and discover there was nothing to fear after all.