New Year, New Life

hi again.

As you can see I have not gotten very far with my blogging..primarily because I'm afraid I may say something stupid or offensive, which I seem to do at times without realizing it. Part of the misery I refer to is my fear of being rejected or being offensive, coming from a lifetime of shyness. As I have gotten older I have relaxed somewhat in that respect but if I perceive a glimmer of rejection, like a turtle, I crawl back into my shell. Very hard on myself, I have a tendency to beat myself up badly for perceived failures.

Trying to be brave, I have made a deliberate attempt to try to join new groups and meet new people while combining these endeavors with my love of physical activity. Following a long spell of laziness and inactivity, combined with some mind games with myself about whether my perceptions of the world around me and my effect in it are accurate, I have entered the world of competition again, but with a deliberate attempt at being more relaxed and low key. Enter the Trail Nerds! On a whim while beginning to establish my fitness again, I signed up for a trail race aptly called Psycho Night, a difficult trail run, at night, in heavy woods with lots of hills, rocks and an infamous section called the Wyandotte Triangle (basically an insane zig zag obstacle course with downed trees and killer hidden branches). I had a BLAST! Cursing, laughing and whooping, I was hooked on the spot. Since that time I have entered several more Trail events and in a fit of insanity, decided to enter an ominous race named PsychoWyco..the 20+ mile version. HOO BOY..I got a taste of the challenge at the Alternate Chili run, staged on the same course. I have my work cut out for me. Thankfully I have met and become friends with a few Turtles like myself to train with (back of the packers :-)

In my previous athletic life, after I became motivated and lost a good amount of weight using a strict diet and exercise, I started running, which evolved into triathlons, duathlons and culminated with the Hawaii Ironman in 1998. What an awesome experience..but after the race I engaged in a lengthy self flagellation due to my perceived failure in my racing and training strategy. Admittedly I undertrained on parts of my prep, namely bike miles. I had massive back cramps and lost over an hour in the 2nd changing tent. That was one of the biggest battles I waged with myself.."should I stop or get up and continue?" eventually I got up the gumption to continue because I knew I would NEVER forgive myself if I dropped out, especially as I had a lottery slot and refused to squander it as I knew there were many others who had applied for a lottery slot but were not selected. Though my time was not what I had hoped for, I DID finish and that was my primary goal. The following years I did the Pikes Peak Ascent (fun!) and the year prior, the Pikes Peak Marathon (fun until 2/3 of the way back down the mountain I had the worst bonk of my life, once again due to poor planning and insufficient nutrition) and a few small events before completely dropping out of the athletic scene altogether after buying a house and getting involved with all that entails.

Back on went the 45 pounds I lost and in the interval my mother died of a stroke, and my sister died of septic shock, stemming from poor nutrition and alcoholism. Time marched on and now I am 45, with the stark realization that almost certainly more than half of my life has elapsed..how many chances and opportunities for reaching out to others, bettering myself and being responsible for my own happiness have been lost?

So here I am. It's been a long time coming but I think I'm ready for the life change I have so desperately needed. I have the motto: "We are all in charge of our Destiny" and I need to hold myself to that. So now you know a little more about me..being brave and putting it out there on the table. Until next time..